Kool Kids Klass
"A thinly veiled mockery."By Eric Tang
(The meeting notes from the last Kool Kids Klass Meeting)
(The grand poobah, Blake, takes the stage.)
BLAKE
Good afternoon fellow kool kids.
THE KOOL KIDS
Good afternoon grand master.
BLAKE
Let us all take out our notebooks.
(Everyone takes out their notebooks)
BLAKE
Now onto business. Who wants to share first?
(No one moves or says anything)
BLAKE (Annoyed)
Someone’s got to say something. Let’s go around the room clockwise.
ANNIE
Well, I-
BLAKE
I said clockwise.
REIMS
Can I get on the stage? I want to read a poem.
BLAKE
Of course.
(Reims gets on the stage)
REIMS
The title of this piece is SADNESS:
I HAD A FRIEND WHO I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I LEFT MY HOME TO GO TO SOMEWHERE ELSE
I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES
BUT I’M UNSURE ABOUT MY OWN ABILITIES
SO MANY THINGS STRESSING ME OUT
SO MANY PATHS
TO FOREVER
CARLSON
That poem really speaks to me.
NIP-AL-JUN
I love how passionately you read it out.
BLAKE
Yes it was very good. Very distinct.
(Applause)
CLEMENTS
How do you come up with that stuff?
REIMS
I just write about what I see.
BLAKE
Olina? What do you have?
OLINA
There was this party last night. It was totally lit. People were drunk all over the place so some people hung outside. There was a bonfire and some burning. Get it? It’s lit.
BLAKE
Who wants to comment on Jacqueline’s words?
ANNIE
I liked it very much!
CHARLIE
I thought that that story really makes a good use of puns and that adds an element of humor to it. I also like the double meaning of the word “hung”, how those people were hung outside but also hung out outside.
JACQUELINE
It was really funny.
BLAKE
Very good. Next-
ANNIE
If Reims got to use the stage can I?
BLAKE
Go ahead.
(Annie gets on the stage. She gets a wooden stake out of her pocket.)
ANNIE
Woe is me! I have such an insurmountable task. Living in America is such a struggle. I feel so oppressed!
(Annie slumps over. She clasps at the air drives the stake through her stomach)
ANNIE
This performance is called “Netflix is buffering”
(Annie bleeds out on the stage. Everybody laughs)
KORRRL
It’s funny because everything is a waste of time and it all means nothing.
SHADLEN
Really says something about the status of women in this country.
BLAKE
Umani-k$r I see that you’ve brought a box.
UMANI-K$R
Yes. I wanted to share something that I made myself.
(A donut box is passed around, everyone takes a glazed piece of shit)
AM#*VJG
These look amazing.
UMANI-K$$R
I had to pull them out myself. I’m pretty bad at it.
JJJ@@@
I forgive you. Can I put something on the projector?
BLAKE
Yes.
(A white curtain comes down. The projector turns on and JJJ@@@ begins casting to the TV. It is a powerpoint where every slide is covered in silly cliparts of people being murdered. The song Kra-Z Gardening Hoe plays and everyone gets onto the table and starts dancing. At that moment, a fissure opens up under JJJ@@@ and they are taken to Hell. The song ends and everyone gets back to their seats.)
ME
I have something to share.
BLAKE
Please do.
ME
I feel that I am dying inside. Everything I do feels empty and everyone I meet disappears. Help me.