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Tour De La Cuisine Amherst

By Eric Tang

The dirt of the Pioneer Valley is full of sumptuous, savory food which will stimulate the mouth and penetrate the stomach. No place in the world is home to such a unique array of quality consumables, and for the past four years I have had the privilege of experiencing it first hand. Pour yourself a goblet of your finest, barrel aged water and allow me to take you on a journey through the top five cuisines the Valley has to offer.

The Lone Wolf - Chocolate Chip Pancakes

From the Southwest decor, to the furries on the wall, to the references to the “Old Country” on the menu, to the latkes they serve, eating at The Lone Wolf makes you feel like you are eating at seven different restaurants at once; there really is something for everyone here! Choose from a vast array of sights to take in and make fun of/ignore as you enjoy a heaping plate of moist, tender pancakes. Be sure to ask for them “à la merde” and, if they don’t throw you out, they’ll bring them to you with chocolate chips in them, chopped from the finest chocolate sausage available.

Taco Bell

Is there anywhere where this isn’t on the top 5 list? Come home to an endlessly creative array of dishes which could only have been fabricated in the finest Spanish kitchens such as the Nacho Cheese Doritos ®️ Locos Taco Supreme ®️ and the Beefy Fritos ®️ Burrito. My favorite order is the Quesarito and a Mountain Dew: a burrito made with the finest steak substance blanketed in a cheese quesadilla (genius!) chased by a blend of flame grilled ice cubes and honey infused with dew from the mountains mixed by the enthusiastic staff right before your eyes. Squirt diablo sauce all over it if you’re in for a challenge, both at the table and a few hours later!

Chicken and Rice from the cart in front of that church

When I think of dedicated, professional service, I think of the halal cart parked outside the Unitarian church next to the bus stop in Amherst Town Center. The guy is always there. I’ve never seen him not there. There was that time last year where it got so cold it hurt to be outside but he was there. How does the cart get there? Does it ever leave? Does the guy live in the cart? What a trooper. Actually, this is not part of the bit, he deserves props. Also if you want a pretty good chicken and rice for cheap, this is the place to get it. You can carry it around and eat it anywhere too. Enjoy it while relaxing in one of those chairs on the lawn of Amherst campus or run it back to your room and spill it on your important documents. Maximum flexibility.

The Big Y - Store brand corn dogs

Wrap your lips around a most sophisticated dish made with a skewer of succulent weiner meat, coated in an elegant, golden batter, and cooked in a state of the art cooking box using microwave radiation to perfectly distribute heat all the way through. “What’s so special about Big Y corn dogs?” you might ask. The price. Two boxes free with the purchase of one. That’s two corn dogs a day for over a week. Freakin’ insane, I tell you what. With sales like that, how can you afford not to love this food item? Shop at Big Y today.


We’ve gone through some of the best food this region has to offer. We’ve sat at the gauche tables of high dining, sampled savory sausages, and licked luscious lemons. Now, you may be wondering, “What food could possibly top this all?” The answer will shock and surprise you:

Anything from Judie’s

I love Judie’s. Judie’s is a great restaurant. They have nice food. I love eating their delicious food. They also have a nice atmosphere. Very unique. It’s easy to say why everyone goes there. I can’t wait to go there again. Looking forward to my next visit.

Written Winter, 2019 for English 350H at UMass Amherst. Part of the Eric Tang Pathology Anthology.
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