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Your Opinion is Right!

By Eric Tang

AMHERST, MA - This just in, your opinion is right! About this. About everything. Everything you believe to be true is true. You are right and have always been. It’s not a dream, it’s not a trip, and it’s definitely not fiction. From this point on you are the literal god of this universe and anything you say goes.

Don’t think about it. This cannot be stressed enough- Critical evaluation is not necessary. This is the news you’ve been waiting to hear. You have been validated. And this article is showing you that you are right. You just can’t look away. Savor it. Worship it. Buy into it.

Why are you still thinking about it? You need this win. Come on, you really do. I’m not making any judgements or anything but how long has it been since you really felt good about yourself? Never. Not in a million years. So do yourself a favor and just go with it! Give yourself the win. Take that W. Be right for once in your life.

Don’t lie. You want this. You want to be right. You’ve been annoyed one too many times by the insipid drivel of those lower than you. You want to see the skulls of you enemies crushed, heads rolling before you as you laugh maniacally. Just shut down your brain, man. Just accept that you are right. Accept the premise of this article.

It’s those guys, across the aisle; they’re the ones who are wrong. Those people you hate? It’s their fault. They won’t listen to you. You have to make them see. You can make them see. You’re truth. The truth. All it takes is buying into this article. The more devoted you are the stronger your truth will be.

Join us.

We are real.

Everything else is fake.

Buy all our products.

We will be gods and everyone will be our slaves.

Just do as we say.

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Written Winter, 2019 for English 350H at UMass Amherst. Part of the Eric Tang Pathology Anthology.
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